creativity and positivity: October 2017

FINDING YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE FALLING APART

October 26, 2017
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As many of you are aware, World Mental Health Day fell this week, and initially I had prepared to publish this post then. However, sometimes life gets the better of you and plans change, but that doesn't make the message any less important. Many brave bloggers published their own mental health stories, and left me filled with hope, inspiration and reassurance that I am never alone. Today, I want to share a slightly different story about how a physical condition left my mental health in tatters.

When I was sixteen I was diagnosed with chronic sciatica, a condition where the sciatic nerve is compressed, leading to pain in the lower back and legs. I was walking to school on a very cold morning, where there were sheets of black ice all over the pavement. I slipped, fell right on the curve of my spine, the textbooks in my bag pressing against my nerves. I managed to get myself back up, but I was in unimaginable pain, experiencing a strange combination of both aching muscle pain and numbness in my legs. After that, I don't remember getting to school, I don't remember how I got home, or who came to pick me up. The only thing I can remember is my body aching. Initially, none of my family, nor myself, thought that it was serious. I popped some heat patches on the sore parts, kept a hot water bottle by my side and spent a sick day on the sofa. However, it soon become evident that something was seriously wrong.

One morning, I woke up and my entire body felt heavy and aching. I pulled myself to the end of the bed, but when I attempted to stand up my legs gave in and I fell to the ground. I couldn't feel them, I couldn't move - effectively I was paralyzed. Eventually I managed to get myself to the phone where I immediately called my dad and told him something was wrong. Every morning soon became a struggle. Some mornings I could get up, get ready, be at the door to leave and then my legs would give way. Other mornings I couldn't even make it out of bed. I felt like a prisoner in my own body, trapped in my house and afraid to leave in case I collapsed in school.

After two weeks of pain and struggling, my mum made an emergency appointment to see the GP, who examined me and referred me for an X-ray. I had already started to research potential conditions that could be behind the symptoms I was suffering from, and sciatica fit the bill exactly. However, specialists were reluctant to diagnose me with the condition because of my age. Sciatica typically affects those who are in their 50s / 60s or those who have suffered from a slipped disk or other muscular pain. I was referred to a chiropractor, who gave me gentle exercises to do, and it was she who encouraged me to visit a different GP, eventually leading to the diagnosis.

However, getting a diagnosis was the least of my worries. I had started to miss a lot of school because I couldn't even make it out of bed without being in pain. I went from seeing my friends every day to seeing only my brother, my mum or my dad. I had work sent to me in an effort to keep up with my GCSE classes, and I eventually managed to make it in a couple of days a week, but my anxiety about missing out on so much left me feeling awful, and the pain wasn't getting any easier to deal with. I became dependant on those around me to help me do even the simplest of tasks, such as getting up the stairs to go to the bathroom, or getting in the bath which left both myself and my family feeling frustrated and angry. I felt like it was my fault that this had happened, and that my body had betrayed me in the worst way possible. I was 16 going on 66.

I don't remember exactly when it started to get better, and in a sense it never really will. My condition is chronic, which means that although the pain may not be constant, it will continue to flare up spontaneously and that's something I have learned to cope with. I was afraid to go out by myself, I wasn't allowed to do PE or other vigorous exercise (which is something I still can't do much of today). But I managed to make it to my exams and classes towards the end of the year, and despite missing out on so much I passed. I started to go on days out with my friends again, and I started to piece my life back together.

Today I can go weeks without any pain, and suddenly it will strike, and I'm left feeling sore and upset, particularly when it's close to my time of the month or when the cold weather creeps in. I can't move, I'm in complete agony and it takes days to go away. But I can deal with it now, and I know exactly what to do. I never thought I would be able to work in an environment that involves heavy lifting and standing on my feet all day, but I can do it and deal with any consequences of that. It takes a lot more than a warm, muscle relaxing soak and a few sprays of Deep Heat to combat the pain, but it definitely helps.

The relationship between physical health and mental health is important, and it can be tricky to maintain and nurture. If I had stayed in peak physical condition, there is not a doubt in my mind that my mental health would have been easier to deal with at that age. What happened to me was simply an accident, but that accident made me a prisoner in my own home. I felt lonely, depressed and worried that I would further damage my body. I try my best not to show when I'm in pain, but sciatica is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, and I know it will only get worse with time. I only hope that I'll be able to remain positive and bright, even when my body is fighting against me.

I hope by sharing my story I can remind you all to be kind to your body and your mind. Life is precious, and no-one knows when something like this will happen to them. Look after yourselves, love yourselves and share your stories with each other.

Thank you so much for reading. This post is something I have struggled to write for years, so the fact you've made it to the end means so much to me.

Until next time,

Rachel x

October 12, 2017
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KEEPING ORGANISED AT UNIVERSITY

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It's been less than a fortnight since I started my third year of university, and I promised myself that I would make this year count (because this is the year that actually counts). Normally by this stage, I already feel stressed, worried and anxious about everything, and those feelings were due in part to my poor organisation skills. Not reading set texts, being woefully unprepared for seminars and leaving my essays until the last minute, and when I say "last minute" I actually mean starting the essay at 5AM on the day its due. However, I feel a surprising sense of calm when I look at my module handbooks and think about the impending assignments I will be throwing myself into. Could it be that I've finally become organised?

Today I want to share with you the rules I'm setting myself for the upcoming academic year, and how I plan to keep organised at university.

PLAN PLAN PLAN

If you've read my blog for a little while, you may remember how, in my 10 Topics to Inspire Your Journal post, I mentioned that I have a bit of a magpie's eye for journals. I'm constantly buying them and never actually doing anything with them, and I've finally managed to put them to good use. I have a planner for every pretty much every aspect of my life; my daily organiser where I make notes of my shifts, plans to meet up with friends and other important things I have to do; a university-branded diary to note down any "homework" and the topics I'll be studying over the next week; I also have a notebook for work, where I write down training notes and other things I've learnt on the shop floor - I even have my own blogging organiser, which I have found immensely useful in planning and structuring my schedule and content.

Since categorising and micro-managing every aspect of my life, I've found that I've been able to maintain the work / study / life balance a little more smoothly. As long as I remember to actually check my diaries that is! But it's just so easy to pop them in my bag and make notes as I go, and I've found that for once in my life, I feel in control of everything and that my disorganised former self is a thing of the past. Planning and organising has always been something that I've struggled with, but I'm willing to fully immerse myself into that middle-aged, mother-of-three, total control freak lifestyle, if it means that I'll find my third year a bit easier to deal with!

Plus. there is no shortage of cute stationary out there - and I know that when I have a world of pretty things at my fingertips, I definitely feel a little bit better about everything.

A5 CACTUS NOTEBOOK - SASS & BELLE // A5 GLITTER PLANNER - ASDA // A5 WORLD MAPS NOTEBOOK - WATERSTONES

USE YOUR TIME WISELY

I don't know about you, but sometimes when I look at my ever-mounting to-do list, I wish there were more hours in the day, which is why it's vital that you use your time wisely. I'm in university three days a week, I have one day off, and then I travel back to my dad's to stay for the weekend because I work Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays- no rest for the wicked, eh? Then, factoring in travel time, chores, grocery shopping, making food and sleeping, I'm not left with a lot of time for myself, so I've starting making the most of my time and utilising the space I have in-between classes.

I study almost every night, and once my classes are out of the way for the week, I use my evenings to copy up lecture and seminar notes to help refresh my memory and truly understand what I've learnt. A university student actually studying? Shocking, I know, but what can I say? I'm a girl who likes to challenge stereotypes, and the party life was never for me.

On mornings where I have a later start to the day, I take blog pictures, brainstorm ideas, and I do the same when I get home from my early classes - all whilst I'm in my best fluffy pyjamas with a face mask slapped on. But sometimes I prefer to sit on the sofa and not do very much at all (unless watching crappy daytime TV and eating Malteasers counts, which it totally does by the way).

That day off in the middle of the week allows me to get a lot of shit done, be it chores or switching off in the bath for a few hours. But I also use it to my best blogging advantage, as it's when I managed to churn out and write all of my posts for the week to come and start thinking about ideas for the next few weeks. However, I know that varying degrees means varying time spent in lectures and studying, which is why it's so important, and sometimes difficult to make the most of the time you have available. Most of the time I just want to slug it out on the sofa, but you always have to bear in mind your workload and your time management skills. Never, ever burn yourself out. Trust me, I've been there too many times before.

READ IN ADVANCE

Now, I know most university advice posts would suggest the opposite of what I'm about to tell you, but when you do a literature-based, reading-centric degree like myself, it's almost impossible to avoid making your way through your set reading list. Lecturers know when you haven't done the reading for the week, and no-one wants to be that person in a seminar who doesn't really know what they're talking about (but, props to them, they do try their hardest even if it is painful for all listening).

I dedicate about an hour or so before I go to bed every night, reading texts for my modules. If it's something like an article, a lab report or a couple of poems, you can easily do this the night before, but it's much harder trying to blast your way through a 400 page novel in one sitting. It is possible, I've been there, but it's definitely not pleasurable. In one module, I have to read a novel that's thicker than my arm, so I've made a note to make a start on it next week, even though we won't be discussing it until week nine or ten. It can also be difficult trying to prioritise which texts to focus on, especially if you're like me and you study three different novels per week, on top of films and shows for my adaptation class. Not every professor expects you to read the whole novel, but if you at least make a start and get a feel for what the topic is about you will be doing them and yourself a massive favour.

It's important to know what you're talking about, and if you don't really want to do the reading, most lecturers put their notes and seminar plans online before the actual class, so if you have a read through them you might feel a little more confident heading into the class.

I'm aware that most of this advice caters towards my particular lifestyle and degree, however I hope you've at least found the basis of these tips useful for your own studies!

Thank you for reading, and I hope you've enjoyed!

Until next time,

Rachel x